Tuesday, July 10, 2012

A List of Awesome things about living on your own

1. Nobody eats your food when you're not home (unless you say they can)
2. You can leave the house as messy or clean as you like it.
3. You have complete control about furniture and artwork placement
4. You can walk around in your underwear (when there is no roommate)
5. Having a live in 24hr/7 days a week bestfriend!
6. You can stay up as late as you like watching TV in the living room!
7. You can play music in any part of the house and nobody will care.
8. You can cook your own meals and never have to worry about sharing (unless you want too)
9. Your stuff doesn't randomly move around.
10. Keeps me busy with responsibilities and shit like that. Which I like, cause I need to be constantly busy with something or I go a little loopy and get super restless. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Writing brain function: Normal.

My writers block seems to be gone!
I've been making up stories about every second person I see and even writing some of them... in a very lazy fashion, but nonetheless it seems I want to write again because for awhile there I almost felt like not writing at all. It was a terrible moment for me. I questioned whether I even wanted to bother any more then started crying and had a little mental panic attack which suggests it is quite possibly rather important to me that I continue... rather.

I've also decided I don't care how good a writer I am. I just give up. I'm never going to be as good as I want to be. I'm never going to write perfectly. The only thing I can do is continue writing and improving cause it makes me happy and it's like my fucking therapy.

I'd also like to state that these blog posts (and anything I post on tumblr) DO NOT COUNT! These are effortless (usually) and just for fun I suppose (most of the time) I don't really count them as 'serious' writing. Serious writing is sitting down and taking a lot of time and effort to create some kind of perfection. Basically you torture yourself a lot (and this is what I love?).

Anyway. I actually edited a story I've been working on for like, a year or so which made me feel better and I have another one I want to start, so yay!
It's also nice to have my brain back in this place where I feel inspired all the time (that sounds cheesy, it totally is). It's nice. It makes life sooooo much less dull and more bearable. Not that it was really dreadful before, but I'm happier here. So much happier.

Okay. That is all. 

Friday, June 08, 2012

Some things I've learned (or almost learned)

No matter how much good advice you give to your friends for or against something they are never going to fully listen and will always go with what they want.

Negative thoughts and actions DO effect how you think and feel about yourself. They are unhealthy and should be crushed.

No matter what, even if I stop writing for months, the writer in me can never die.

Friends come and go, but there will be a few that you truly love like family and will never leave you no matter how far apart you grow.

Lust or infatuation is never a good biases for a relationship, but it's still necessary to a small degree.

Everybody (including the absolute worst of us) is a human just like you. Unless they are aliens dressed up as humans and trying to run the UK. Then they are those instead.

Making yourself happy should come first or else you won't be able to please anyone else. Self denial may be necessary for longer term happiness.

Nobody has a right to tell you how to dress, what to like or who to like. Ignore anyone that tries. (although they will try and you will listen and possibly be swayed from time to time, but ultimately it'll always be in your power to choose what you want to).

Nobody can ever tell you what to do with your body or how you should feel about it or whether it's awesome or not. If they try, crush them.

Being a door mat is never fun, or sexy, or interesting or healthy.

Gender roles are completely constructed. Ignore them.

Never ever let society pressure you into having sex or your friends or a partner. Especially when you aren't ready or really don't want to. It's a terrible feeling.

Empathy and sympathy are not the same thing. Both should be used with caution, but not ignored. They are sometimes necessary.

Don't judge or hate strangers when you don't know their story.

Don't hate on rude people because they can't behave respectfully. Just be as fucking nice and cheerful as possible to put them at shame for their unseemly behaviour.

Don't think you can't do something because it becomes true and tortures you.

Okay, so maybe some of these I'm still working on. But I've got the ideas in my head and I'm working on them all! I swear. Also some of these are still really recent... so maybe even a few months ago I didn't think quite like this... I don't really know. 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Working on me.

Okay so I probably watched one too many Sex + videos, but now I can't get ideas about sex, body positivity, feminism and friendship outta my head.

Also standing up for myself.

I need to lay it all out. Here. On my blog.

So I'll start from where my own train of thought began:

I had this realization that I really like it when people touch my waist area. Now, I know y'all is like, so what Terri, I'm sure lots of people enjoy that, but let me finish guys! In general, I think I just like waists and waist touching (that almost sounds dirty, but I don't mean it like that!) because I think that inherently I've got an obsession with them because my own isn't perfect. Not my waist to be clear, but my stomach area, in appearance. I honestly didn't understand why I had a scar when I was a kid and I hated when other kids asked me about it because I found it confusing, like, why the fuck are they so fascinated by this thing? It's always been there. I mean I'm fascinated with it, but I'm fascinated with my entire fucking body, so like, da fuck is wrong with them? As I've grown older I've realized people find scars really unattractive or interesting and they must know how you got it (cause who doesn't like a cool story, right?).

I have a really close friend who pointed out to me one day that my scar is kinda unattractive. At the time I just agreed with her and now I'm like WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? I love my scar. I think it looks really neat. I mean, nobody else in the entire world has a stomach that appears as awesome as mine does. Like, sorry guys. So I'ma stop hiding it under those lose shirts I like to wear and not be afraid of a tiny dress (cause I have been and that's silly). Also to the friend that made me feel rotten about it, well fuck you cause I don't and I don't care how 'unattractive' anyone finds it I will flaunt it till the end of the fucking earth.
Done. I feel better now.

I was gonna write a bunch of other stuff about sex, but I'm honestly too lazy and tired to edit and research it like I should so that'll be a different post. Sorry lovelies. Have a good night! :) 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Post school writers block

So apparently I've been suffering from some post-school writers block or something cause (as is always the intention) I have not been writing at least every other day... only some days, when I'm not being lazy and I have even been writing anything worthwhile, which seems to happen with me a lot. I need to get on writing some worthy articles, stories or poetry goddamn! Tonight was especially bad because I was browsing around the web and found this chick  whose poetry and writing style I really enjoy and I got excited and was yeah! I'm get on that writing thing and write some new poetry! Yeah!

I honestly have been the worst with poetry lately (actually for the last year or so, but there's not much to say there). I think I mentally decided at some point that all my poetry is terrible and I shouldn't bother with it. Which is not actually true. I have written terrible poetry, but I've also written some okay and close-to-good poetry (or at least people seem to sort of like it! which is cool) so I shouldn't sell myself short so much. I'm really tired of selling myself short actually. I do it too much and I've had enough. I'm stop it. I'm own it.  I'm also gonna try actually writing some new poetry cause like half the stuff I've posted recently (on my tumblr blog) has been old stuff that I've just like edited or reworked from other poems that I didn't like. I need something that is actually new. I also think my last English class ought to be a poetry class. I think I chose something else, but registration is still like month(s) away so I can change all that!

Yeah, poetry writing is happening right now.
Be proud of me lovelies. Be proud. I'ma try and finish at least one poem, then sleeeeeeeeeeeep. 

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

How to date me, or get with me or whatevs.

Okay, I just decided I've been single for TOO LONG. Two years is too long and considering it wasn't even long term or particularly scarring relationship this is getting silly.

LET'S BE HONEST HERE. I actually just need an excuse to write this list, cause I'm bored and this shit amuses me.

So here are somethings guys who want to date me should do! :) (if there are actually some, cause I haven't been able to find them).
Maybe this'll help someone out... or maybe I'm asking too much, but I gave up so y'all gotta try harder. Plus it's amusing for me. :P

1. Feed me. This never fails. I'm like a fucking cat or something, give me free food or candy and I'll just keep coming back.

2. Make an effort to look nice, because I'm making an effort to look nice too.

3. Ask me to hang out. It's fun to do things, you know, like out of the house... in the park... at the beach, whatevs.

4. You probably should also TELL ME if you like me or else confusion will ensue.

5. Let's be friends! Because It's always nice to be friends with someone you're (eventually) gonna sleep with (maybe).

6. Make an effort to contact meeeee. I like it. I will contact you, IF you contact me too.

7. Let me meet your friends. Cause if you want me in your life you actually want me in your entire life.

8. Gifts and charm always work. I am very susceptible to these, but I pretend I'm not so don't be fooled.

9. You should probably kiss me that some point. I like kissing quite a lot (as in very much).

10. It is completely unnecessary and a little weird if you like everything I like. I mean really weird. I never understood this.

11. Don't be afraid to argue or disagree a little. Cause it's fun n'shit.

12. Smile and laugh, don't be afraid to joke around. I don't take stuff to seriously.

13. Tease me.

14. Be interesting. Please. I hate boring. I hate being bored. I lose patience quick and lose interest.

15. Don't give up on meeee, but don't be a pushy jerk either, cause that's never classy. Some times (all the time) I'm a little slow to make up my mind.

16. Errr this seems really obvious, but you could just ask me out. That seems like it's effective for other people... usually.

I really think I need to actually put in effort toooo. I just hate dating though. Especially online dating those guys only ever want to sleep with me, so uninteresting.
Oh and please don't take this too seriously, it isn't proven in effectiveness or anything... but chances are if you at least try you could have a shot right?
I don't even know why I'm writing this nobody who'll read it even cares. Expect it might be funny. Maybe. I'm starting to get loopy again. BEDTIME NIGHT INTERWEBZ.

Actually fuck all these.

1. Feed me.
2. Make me laugh
3. And don't be gross.

You're good to go! 

Monday, April 23, 2012

Online Dating

Okay, question for the guys. 
Why the fuck do guys on online dating sites continue to message you even after you don't reply. Literally for months! And then if I don't go on for awhile and come back they send me another message. It's like wtf you know nothing about me or my interests. Maybe the second or third time I might of messaged you, but once it gets to the 5 or 6th time it becomes weird and you are clearly not right some how.

Then to and say "No one can be entertaining enough for you" doesn't make sense. It's literally been so long since this guy first messaged me I had no idea who he was or what he was talking about till I check his profile then I was like seriously, you again? 

And maybe I was a bitch for not messaging him the second time (maybe I did, I can't remember it's been awhile) but if I'm not interested I'm not gonna pretend to be interested. If I can't see anything about you I find attractive or interesting why should I bother? I know maybe some people would say I'm being quick to judge, and I probably am, but I hate wasting my time when I don't care and I hate leading someone on I don't feel anything for. 

Sunday, April 15, 2012


Why do some guys seem to assume if you dance them they can kiss you? And then why do they assume that if you kiss them you're going to have sex with them? I'm so sick of this.  If I kiss you it's only because I want to and if I'm having sex with it's only cause we're dating. That is it.  This one guy I danced tonight who  was a decent dancer, cute and seemed normal kept trying to kiss me even after I'd said no.  Finally, realising I didn't want to kiss him he bailed (thank god).  But seriously guys there is never a situation where it is acceptable to force yourself on a girl. Ever. I've been there and it is a horrible feeling. Be a respectful, please. (this seems do obvious that I don't even know why I'm bothering to state it, but as I know apparently some guys just cannot do this.) 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

A Three Part Post


Lately I've become exposed to feminism through people I follow on tumblr and people I know in my own life, not to say I didn't know what it was before or had exposure to it, but I'm starting to understand what it means to be a feminist and a lot of things I was okay with before I'm started to feel less okay with. The current disposition of our society to value women for their beauty alone frightens me. It never has before. I wear makeup, of course, not to say I'm not an attractive girl. I am. But so many people don't fall into the category of what attractive means that it saddens me. I know amazing girls who by no means fit into beauty standards and they are less confident and happy for it. I hurts to see that in a society that has progressed so far.

I need to state that I am not saying we should stop admiring beauty, but we should look for the beauty in everyone. I cannot deny that I ardently admire beautiful men and women. I do. I also admire many other beautiful things, but the important part is to not value that person because you find them attractive. That shouldn't be the reason we chose our friends or care about another person. There has to be more than that or your degrading the person to the status of an object. Leading back to feminism and the status of women as objects. The internet is full of it. I cannot deny that I've probably enjoyed a picture or two that showcase a woman in a less than flattering light or role, we all have whether we're willing to admit it or not. I think that we need to be aware of this, we need to think about the role the beauty industry is playing in our society. The thing I notice the most is when you look back at your old yearbooks and realize how similar everyone looks and how the the 'hot' guys or 'pretty' girls really don't look all that hot or pretty. It's crazy what memory does to us.

Anyway those are some of my thoughts on feminism from a beauty aspect. I know it's inconclusive, but that is what I've got to say for now.


I call this the YOLO mentality. You Only Live Once is of course, true (unless you believe otherwise then I apologize if I've offended you). But should you exploit this? Should you waste your life doing drugs, partying and generally doing whatever you like? It is not for me to say. But still, I'm opinionated and I have a theory about this mentality, which I'd like to present whether you agree or disagree. I believe the 'yolo' mentality is directly tied to the declining role which religion plays in our society. Since this idea is prevalent in youth it makes sense since many of them tend to be less religious as a whole (of course I am generalizing horribly because their are many religious youth, and I have no facts to back this up it is simply based on observation). This has led to a decline in belief in an afterlife to work towards. There is less desire to live a morally correct life because there is no reason too. There is no reason to not do drugs or get drunk every night or party, whatever. The only person who will pay is you right? Wrong. Although it makes sense, so many people pay for youths with this mentality. The hospitals and polices that have to deal with youth who do drunks and drink to much. The parents that have to see their child amount to (in their eyes) nothing. Society, of course has a very bourgeois attitude, your supposed to grow up want to be a teacher or doctor or whatever and have a nice cozy job with a white picket fence and family etc. You know the story. But what happens if our youth are too busy out partying and doing drugs and just generally fucking around? What is going to happen if we don't grow up?

 I won't lie, I have issues with the whole middle-class dream. It doesn't appeal to me very much. I don't really want some office job where I have to sit inside all day, where I can't get out and get around and interact with people. Yet, as much as

  which leads to a mentality that you aren't going to get another chance to do everything you want to do, so why not? 

Kony 2012

Briefly I'd like to state that what interests me the most about this is not the level of credibility in the Invisible Children organisation, but the power of the media and social networking to spread this message and get people talking and thinking about it. I find that pretty cool, especially since I hadn't heard of Joseph Kony before. I am sorry that I was less aware, but I'm glad that someone is trying to make people aware, I think that is the important bit.

Okay so those were the three things I've been meaning to post about. Sorry this post is a little rough because I've been really busy and I haven't had time to edit them and now I haven't got a computer so it's even harder! Anyway good night bloggers!

Monday, February 20, 2012

I am static and it's depressing me.

Yay for Adele. And friend that’ll listen to me bitch and whine about how annoying life can beeeee. I’ve had such a lame day. I basically sat around at home and got NOTHING DONE! Ugh. I’m realizing I really should have taken this semester off. I’m really not into it at all and I’m just tired of taking English. It’s not even that I don’t like it, I’m just ready to try something new. I feel like for the last four years my life has been pretty static. I’ve had the same shitty retail job, lived in the same place and been going to the same school. This is all fine and dandy, but since not much changed for my from high school to university it’s getting a bit dull. Well I mean things did change, I switched school, jobs and living situations, and those were big changes for me for the first couple years, maybe just the first year, but honestly now I’m just bored. I get bored easily and quickly unfortunately, because of this I constantly need to try new things and meet new people. I’m very aware of this and I’ve reached that point were if I don’t do something to change my situation I will seriously go crazy. 
Another thing that’s been getting me down is that I’m starting to feel like I haven’t grown up AT ALL. I mean I have, I know I have, but sometimes I just feel like a teenager all over again. I feel like a lot of people in my life (my friends that live on their own mostly) seem thing think I can’t take care of myself. Maybe because I never had too and they’ve never really seen me in a situation where I did. The thing is, I know I am capable of that. It is one thing I am very sure of, I’m not the sort of person that likes to be dependent on others unless I need some sort of emotional support or something of that nature; or I just want a good bitching session. I honestly just like to be left alone to take care of myself sometimes, it’s nice to not worry about anyone else and to be alone sometimes. 
Lately, I’ve been trying to move. I’ve had two opportunities come up and fall through faster than you can say packing! First, I was gonna move in with two good friends from high school cause they though their current roommate was gonna move out and they have a cheap room. Unfortunately, he changed his mind and decided to stay. Second, my friend found me a house sitting gig near Uvic for a lady she’d house sat for before. I went out there, met the lady, got shown around the house, she went over all the rules etc with me, then tonight she called to tell me that she’d found someone else, but she’d keep my name for a future date. Disappointed. Seriously. I know that it wasn’t for sure, but she had acted like it was and she seemed to like me. Her house was adorable too and I was actually really excited about it. I even started to look for a new job downtown (still gonna do that). Anyway my last hope is that I can find a friend to move in with or move in with my sister, which we have been talking about for ages. It just sucks right now cause I basically have no money and I haven’t been getting any shifts at work. I tried to talk to my manager about it, but she was just condescending and bitchy about it so I gave up. The thing is, I’ve never really had my shifts cut this much before, they really like me their cause I’ve worked there for like 3+ years and I know all the departments, so yeah that really sucks. I also owe my friend a bunch of money for a trop we’re going on to Anahiem in June and I haven’t even started to pay him back! Plus I have all those students loans. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG! I hate this. I must stop prematurely stressing over shit. Not worth it. 
Anyway I think that is everything I wanted to get off my chest, I feel a bit better and if anyone knows of job opportunities or wants a roommate in like May or July, let me know! 

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Random Abnormalities

I really like random, unlikely or abnormal events. Just things that are socially strange, small things, because they tend to show how flimsy our social reality actually is. I feel like large social abnormalities don't show this off in quite the same way because we tend to place them in a separate space, like they aren't part of our world any more. But, something small, like forgetting to tip a waiter or tripping, those things, or find a door locked when it should be open; those things are still part of our reality. They almost seem more abnormal to us because of this.

So today I had an abnormal event happen, it was seriously just the smallest thing, but it just made you stop and think for a minute. It was one of those things that made me question what was going on cause the entire thing was so confusing for me. Now, your going to think I'm completely crazy for being obsessed with such a insignificant, but this is the sort of thing that fascinates me to no end.

Today my sister and I were studying in a coffee shop. There was this one barista who was really cute and friendly. Now, I sorta saw him looking over at our table a lot, but that was probably just because we were the youngest people in there and we stayed for so long. We both, on separate occasions got croissant's and I had tea which I refilled a couple of times. After we'd been there for quite awhile and had the afore mentioned food the cute coffee guy showed up at my table with a croissant which I had not ordered. He apologised forgetting to bring it and I was confused because so I said, no I already had one or something like that then he was like, no I forgot and gave this charming smile. I am crazy for being confused? Anyway, after this I sent my friend a text about something unrelated, I thought about returning the croissant, but I couldn't figure out why he'd brought it to me in the first place. I got engrossed with the paper I was working on and honestly forgot about it. Then suddenly he was at our table again and said sorry, you didn't order a croissant did you. You don't want this, I just blankly said no and went back to my paper. I find this whole thing very strange. Was he trying to hit on me with a croissant? Does that happen? Or did he just become confused, which would be perfectly fine. The entire thing was off from the normal waiter/barista-customer interaction which is what causes me to be so fascinated with it.
So that is my story, thoughts? Opinions? Questions? (i apologize for any spelling errors or wrongs words, I'm writing this on my iPhone and it tends to correct things without me noticing...)

Monday, January 30, 2012

Batman Cupcakes

So I mentioned in another post how I was writing a story for James, well I finished it, but it's pretty rough. I don't really know what to do with it, but I feel like I could do something more with it...anyway suggestions are always welcome! :)

“What flavor batman would be if he was a cupcake or another type of pastry. 
On one side hes suuuuper rich, but he's kind of broken and troubled, but he’s still a charmer and totally fit for a 60+ old guy. Or you could just go by the colors...black and yellow equals chocolate and lemon? Or licorice and lemon?” - James S. 

Tony was 7 and he loved batman. He spent his time toss action figures off of his sisters doll house and rescuing princesses from bad guys and fires and sharks. All around he saved the city of Gotham about 5 or 6 times a day. In all, Tony was pretty normal. He went to school with all the other 7-year olds and argued about which superheroes were the most awesome. Tony usually lost. Eric, really, truly, believed the flash was much better than Batman. And Andy always argued for (and usually won) that superman was the best superhero. Despite the three boys different taste in superheroes they were best friends and often beat each others superhero action figures up in play. 
Tony was turning 8 that week and he wanted a batman party. He invited his entire 7th grade class (as was the custom in his day) and his two best friends Eric and Andy. One week before the party the three boys were on the swings at school swinging slowly back and forth and talking about their favourite superheroes. “I’m going to have a batman party!” Exclaimed Tony. 
“No you aren’t, or I’m not coming!” Eric stuck his tongue out at Tony. 
“Me either” quipped in Andy, “I don’t want to go to no Batman party”. 
Tony hung his head down and thought, he needed to figure out a way to ensure they came to his party. Andy was the most popular boy in school and if he didn’t go nobody in his class would go! And Eric’s dad was really really rich and he always got the best, most expensive presents so Tony really really wanted Eric to come. Also, they were his closest friends and he wanted them there. 
“Your mom’s not gonna like that, you know she’ll make you come” he glanced pointedly at Eric. Eric’s mom and his mom were bestfriends. That’s how Eric and Tony were bestfriends. If Eric came Andy would too, cause Andy did everything Eric did, despite being the most popular boy in school, Eric was still the richest. 
“Will not!” Eric saw the web he was trapped in too late. He really didn’t want to spend an afternoon being nice about Batman and eating the inevitable black and yellow cake. It just wasn’t right, the Flash was clearly the better superhero! Andy glanced at Eric, considering repeating his phrase, but chose not to because it seemed to much work to yell insults at Tony when he knew they would both end up going anyway. Andy didn’t care about the batman themed party, he really just didn’t want to spend an entire afternoon being forced to watch the batman movie for like the billionth time. The boys began swinging higher and higher and the conversation was quickly forgotten as they began to outdo each other in term of swinging hight. The bell rung soon after and the conversation wasn’t revisited before the week was out resulting in both boys attending Tony’s birthday party. 
Saturday came rather quicker than Tony’s mother would have liked. She still had too much to prepare! All the children! The noise! The sugar, birthday party’s were always a nightmare for her. Tony’s was the worst because she had very little understanding in inner workings of a young boys mind. “What’s wrong with cupcakes, sweetie? They’re easy to eat and less mess with plates! Besides, I’ve already started making the batter.”
“But moooooooooom cupcakes are girly! Cathy said so… everybody will think I’m lame…” Tony’s mom raised an eyebrow in disbelief. 
“You know why Cathy told you cupcakes are girly? Because she wanted cupcakes for her birthday and I didn’t make them, she’s just jealous.”
“So they are girly?” Tony’s mom rolled her eyes, you could never win with kids. She was making cupcakes and that was that. 
“Batman cupcakes” Tony looked relieved, then his face clouded over with worry. 
“Nooo mom just make chocolate cupcakes… I want everyone to like them” you see, despite being friends with two of the most popular kids in school Tony really wasn’t that popular himself. He was, in fact, rather unpopular. He was just too smart. He answered all the test and quiz questions correctly and anything the teacher asked in class. Before he became friends with Eric and Andy he had suffered as a social outcast and was nicknamed Tony-talks-too-much. Loosing Eric and Andy’s friendship over the wrong themed cupcakes would be a disaster. Luckily Tony’s mom new about the superhero disagreement and came up with a plan to fix it. 
“Tony, what if I make Eric and Andy the Flash and Superman themed cupcakes? Would that be okay?” Tony squirmed and scrunched up his eyes, the little wheels in his brain clicking away. 
“Okay, I think they will like that.” So Tony’s mom made chocolate cupcakes with yellow buttercream frosting in the batman logo and one red velvet cupcake with yellow buttercream frosting in the flash logo and one red velvet cupcake with blue and yellow frosting. 
Saturday came sooner than Tony expected and he was very worried about his party. Luckily Eric and Andy both loved their cupcakes and the rest of the class showed up because they had both come when they heard about the promised cupcakes (that and their mother’s forced them). Tony’s popularity was safe and the children had a wonderful time. 

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I really liked this excerpt and needed to share it, sorry it's so long!

"I think," he said blandly, when the boy had done, "that I partly
understand you. It is something after this fashion, is it not?" (He
smiled.) "In certain valleys there was a hunter." (He touched the
grotesque little figure at the bottom.) "Day by day he went to hunt for
wild-fowl in the woods; and it chanced that once he stood on the shores
of a large lake. While he stood waiting in the rushes for the coming
of the birds, a great shadow fell on him, and in the water he saw a
reflection. He looked up to the sky; but the thing was gone. Then a
burning desire came over him to see once again that reflection in the
water, and all day he watched and waited; but night came and it had not
returned. Then he went home with his empty bag, moody and silent. His
comrades came questioning about him to know the reason, but he answered
them nothing; he sat alone and brooded. Then his friend came to him, and
to him he spoke.

"'I have seen today,' he said, 'that which I never saw before--a vast
white bird, with silver wings outstretched, sailing in the everlasting
blue. And now it is as though a great fire burnt within my breast. It
was but a sheen, a shimmer, a reflection in the water; but now I desire
nothing more on earth than to hold her.'

"His friend laughed.

"'It was but a beam playing on the water, or the shadow of your own
head. Tomorrow you will forget her,' he said.

"But tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow the hunter walked alone.
He sought in the forest and in the woods, by the lakes and among the
rushes, but he could not find her. He shot no more wild fowl; what were
they to him?

"'What ails him?' said his comrades.

"'He is mad,' said one.

"'No; but he is worse,' said another; 'he would see that which none of
us have seen, and make himself a wonder.'

"'Come, let us forswear his company,' said all.

"So the hunter walked alone.

"One night, as he wandered in the shade, very heartsore and weeping, an
old man stood before him, grander and taller than the sons of men.

"'Who are you?' asked the hunter.

"'I am Wisdom,' answered the old man; 'but some men call me Knowledge.
All my life I have grown in these valleys; but no man sees me till he
has sorrowed much. The eyes must be washed with tears that are to behold
me; and, according as a man has suffered, I speak.'

"And the hunter cried:

"'Oh, you who have lived here so long, tell me, what is that great wild
bird I have seen sailing in the blue? They would have me believe she is
a dream; the shadow of my own head.'

"The old man smiled.

"'Her name is Truth. He who has once seen her never rests again. Till
death he desires her.'

"And the hunter cried:

"'Oh, tell me where I may find her.'

"But the old man said:

"'You have not suffered enough,' and went.

"Then the hunter took from his breast the shuttle of Imagination, and
wound on it the thread of his Wishes; and all night he sat and wove a

"In the morning he spread the golden net upon the ground, and into it
he threw a few grains of credulity, which his father had left him, and
which he kept in his breast-pocket. They were like white puff-balls, and
when you trod on them a brown dust flew out. Then he sat by to see what
would happen. The first that came into the net was a snow-white
bird, with dove's eyes, and he sang a beautiful song--'A human-God! a
human-God! a human-God!' it sang. The second that came was black and
mystical, with dark, lovely eyes, that looked into the depths of your
soul, and he sang only this--'Immortality!'

"And the hunter took them both in his arms for he said--

"'They are surely of the beautiful family of Truth.'

"Then came another, green and gold, who sang in a shrill voice, like one
crying in the marketplace,--'Reward after Death! Reward after Death!'

"And he said--

"'You are not so fair; but you are fair too,' and he took it.

"And others came, brightly coloured, singing pleasant songs, till
all the grains were finished. And the hunter gathered all his birds
together, and built a strong iron cage called a new creed, and put all
his birds in it.

"Then the people came about dancing and singing.

"'Oh, happy hunter!' they cried. 'Oh, wonderful man! Oh, delightful
birds! Oh, lovely songs!'

"No one asked where the birds had come from, nor how they had been
caught; but they danced and sang before them. And the hunter too was
glad, for he said:

"'Surely Truth is among them. In time she will moult her feathers, and I
shall see her snow-white form.'

"But the time passed, and the people sang and danced; but the hunter's
heart grew heavy. He crept alone, as of old, to weep; the terrible
desire had awakened again in his breast. One day, as he sat alone
weeping, it chanced that Wisdom met him. He told the old man what he had

"And Wisdom smiled sadly.

"'Many men,' he said, 'have spread that net for Truth; but they have
never found her. On the grains of credulity she will not feed; in the
net of wishes her feet cannot be held; in the air of these valleys she
will not breathe. The birds you have caught are of the brood of Lies.
Lovely and beautiful, but still lies; Truth knows them not.'

"And the hunter cried out in bitterness--

"'And must I then sit still, to be devoured of this great burning?'

"And the old man said,

"'Listen, and in that you have suffered much and wept much, I will tell
you what I know. He who sets out to search for Truth must leave these
valleys of superstition forever, taking with him not one shred that has
belonged to them. Alone he must wander down into the Land of Absolute
Negation and Denial; he must abide there; he must resist temptation;
when the light breaks he must arise and follow it into the country of
dry sunshine. The mountains of stern reality will rise before him; he
must climb them; beyond them lies Truth.'

"'And he will hold her fast! he will hold her in his hands!' the hunter

"Wisdom shook his head.

"'He will never see her, never hold her. The time is not yet.'

"'Then there is no hope?' cried the hunter.

"'There is this,' said Wisdom: 'Some men have climbed on those
mountains; circle above circle of bare rock they have scaled; and,
wandering there, in those high regions, some have chanced to pick up on
the ground one white silver feather, dropped from the wing of Truth. And
it shall come to pass,' said the old man, raising himself prophetically
and pointing with his finger to the sky, 'it shall come to pass, that
when enough of those silver feathers shall have been gathered by the
hands of men, and shall have been woven into a cord, and the cord into a
net, that in that net Truth may be captured. Nothing but Truth can hold

"The hunter arose. 'I will go,' he said.

"But wisdom detained him.

"'Mark you well--who leaves these valleys never returns to them. Though
he should weep tears of blood seven days and nights upon the confines,
he can never put his foot across them. Left--they are left forever. Upon
the road which you would travel there is no reward offered. Who goes,
goes freely--for the great love that is in him. The work is his reward.'

"'I go' said the hunter; 'but upon the mountains, tell me, which path
shall I take?'

"'I am the child of The-Accumulated-Knowledge-of-Ages,' said the man; 'I
can walk only where many men have trodden. On these mountains few feet
have passed; each man strikes out a path for himself. He goes at his own
peril: my voice he hears no more. I may follow after him, but cannot go
before him.'

"Then Knowledge vanished.

"And the hunter turned. He went to his cage, and with his hands broke
down the bars, and the jagged iron tore his flesh. It is sometimes
easier to build than to break.

"One by one he took his plumed birds and let them fly. But when he came
to his dark-plumed bird he held it, and looked into its beautiful eyes,
and the bird uttered its low, deep cry--'Immortality!'

"And he said quickly: 'I cannot part with it. It is not heavy; it eats
no food. I will hide it in my breast; I will take it with me.' And he
buried it there and covered it over with his cloak.

"But the thing he had hidden grew heavier, heavier, heavier--till it lay
on his breast like lead. He could not move with it. He could not leave
those valleys with it. Then again he took it out and looked at it.

"'Oh, my beautiful! my heart's own!' he cried, 'may I not keep you?'

"He opened his hands sadly.

"'Go!' he said. 'It may happen that in Truth's song one note is like
yours; but I shall never hear it.'

"Sadly he opened his hand, and the bird flew from him forever.

"Then from the shuttle of imagination he took the thread of his wishes,
and threw it on the ground; and the empty shuttle he put into his
breast, for the thread was made in those valleys, but the shuttle came
from an unknown country. He turned to go, but now the people came about
him, howling.

"'Fool, hound, demented lunatic!' they cried. 'How dared you break your
cage and let the birds fly?'

"The hunter spoke; but they would not hear him.

"'Truth! who is she? Can you eat her? can you drink her? Who has ever
seen her? Your birds were real: all could hear them sing! Oh, fool! vile
reptile! atheist!' they cried, 'you pollute the air.'

"'Come, let us take up stones and stone him,' cried some.

"'What affair is it of ours?' said others. 'Let the idiot go,' and went
away. But the rest gathered up stones and mud and threw at him. At last,
when he was bruised and cut, the hunter crept away into the woods. And
it was evening about him."

At every word the stranger spoke the fellow's eyes flashed back on
him--yes, and yes, and yes! The stranger smiled. It was almost worth
the trouble of exerting oneself, even on a lazy afternoon, to win those
passionate flashes, more thirsty and desiring than the love-glances of a

"He wandered on and on," said the stranger, "and the shade grew deeper.
He was on the borders now of the land where it is always night. Then he
stepped into it, and there was no light there. With his hands he groped;
but each branch as he touched it broke off, and the earth was covered
with cinders. At every step his foot sank in, and a fine cloud of
impalpable ashes flew up into his face; and it was dark. So he sat down
upon a stone and buried his face in his hands, to wait in the Land of
Negation and Denial till the light came.

"And it was night in his heart also.

"Then from the marshes to his right and left cold mists arose and closed
about him. A fine, imperceptible rain fell in the dark, and great drops
gathered on his hair and clothes. His heart beat slowly, and a numbness
crept through all his limbs. Then, looking up, two merry wisp lights
came dancing. He lifted his head to look at them. Nearer, nearer they
came. So warm, so bright, they danced like stars of fire. They stood
before him at last. From the centre of the radiating flame in one looked
out a woman's face, laughing, dimpled, with streaming yellow hair. In
the centre of the other were merry laughing ripples, like the bubbles on
a glass of wine. They danced before him.

"'Who are you,' asked the hunter, 'who alone come to me in my solitude
and darkness?'

"'We are the twins Sensuality,' they cried. 'Our father's name is
Human-Nature, and our mother's name is Excess. We are as old as the
hills and rivers, as old as the first man; but we never die,' they

"'Oh, let me wrap my arms about you!; cried the first; 'they are soft
and warm. Your heart is frozen now, but I will make it beat. Oh, come to

"'I will pour my hot life into you,' said the second; 'your brain is
numb, and your limbs are dead now; but they shall live with a fierce
free life. Oh, let me pour it in!'

"'Oh, follow us,' they cried, 'and live with us. Nobler hearts than
yours have sat here in this darkness to wait, and they have come to
us and we to them; and they have never left us, never. All else is a
delusion, but we are real, we are real, we are real. Truth is a shadow;
the valleys of superstition are a farce: the earth is of ashes, the
trees all rotten; but we--feel us--we live! You cannot doubt us. Feel us
how warm we are! Oh, come to us! Come with us!'

"Nearer and nearer round his head they hovered, and the cold drops
melted on his forehead. The bright light shot into his eyes, dazzling
him, and the frozen blood began to run. And he said:

"'Yes, why should I die here in this awful darkness? They are warm, they
melt my frozen blood!' and he stretched out his hands to take them.

"Then in a moment there arose before him the image of the thing he had
loved, and his hand dropped to his side.

"'Oh, come to us!' they cried.

"But he buried his face.

"'You dazzle my eyes,' he cried, 'you make my heart warm; but you cannot
give me what I desire. I will wait here--wait till I die. Go!'

"He covered his face with his hands and would not listen; and when he
looked up again they were two twinkling stars, that vanished in the

"And the long, long night rolled on.

"All who leave the valley of superstition pass through that dark land;
but some go through it in a few days, some linger there for months, some
for years, and some die there."

The boy had crept closer; his hot breath almost touched the stranger's
hand; a mystic wonder filled his eyes.

"At last for the hunter a faint light played along the horizon, and he
rose to follow it; and he reached that light at last, and stepped into
the broad sunshine. Then before him rose the almighty mountains of
Dry-facts and Realities. The clear sunshine played on them, and the tops
were lost in the clouds. At the foot many paths ran up. An exultant cry
burst from the hunter. He chose the straightest and began to climb;
and the rocks and ridges resounded with his song. They had exaggerated;
after all, it was not so high, nor was the road so steep! A few days, a
few weeks, a few months at most, and then the top! Not one feather only
would he pick up; he would gather all that other men had found--weave
the net--capture Truth--hold her fast--touch her with his hands--clasp

"He laughed in the merry sunshine, and sang loud. Victory was very near.
Nevertheless, after a while the path grew steeper. He needed all his
breath for climbing, and the singing died away. On the right and left
rose huge rocks, devoid of lichen or moss, and in the lava-like earth
chasms yawned. Here and there he saw a sheen of white bones. Now too the
path began to grow less and less marked; then it became a mere trace,
with a footmark here and there; then it ceased altogether. He sang no
more, but struck forth a path for himself, until it reached a mighty
wall of rock, smooth and without break, stretching as far as the eye
could see. 'I will rear a stair against it; and, once this wall climbed,
I shall be almost there,' he said bravely; and worked. With his shuttle
of imagination he dug out stones; but half of them would not fit, and
half a month's work would roll down because those below were ill chosen.
But the hunter worked on, saying always to himself, 'Once this wall
climbed, I shall be almost there. This great work ended!'

"At last he came out upon the top, and he looked about him. Far below
rolled the white mist over the valleys of superstition, and above him
towered the mountains. They had seemed low before; they were of an
immeasurable height now, from crown to foundation surrounded by walls of
rock, that rose tier above tier in mighty circles. Upon them played
the eternal sunshine. He uttered a wild cry. He bowed himself on to
the earth, and when he rose his face was white. In absolute silence he
walked on. He was very silent now. In those high regions the rarefied
air is hard to breathe by those born in the valleys; every breath he
drew hurt him, and the blood oozed out from the tips of his fingers.
Before the next wall of rock he began to work. The height of this seemed
infinite, and he said nothing. The sound of his tool rang night and day
upon the iron rocks into which he cut steps. Years passed over him,
yet he worked on; but the wall towered up always above him to heaven.
Sometimes he prayed that a little moss or lichen might spring up on
those bare walls to be a companion to him; but it never came." The
stranger watched the boy's face.

"And the years rolled on; he counted them by the steps he had cut--a
few for a year--only a few. He sang no more; he said no more, 'I will do
this or that'--he only worked. And at night, when the twilight settled
down, there looked out at him from the holes and crevices in the rocks
strange wild faces.

"'Stop your work, you lonely man, and speak to us,' they cried.

"'My salvation is in work, if I should stop but for one moment you
would creep down upon me,' he replied. And they put out their long necks

"'Look down into the crevice at your feet,' they said. 'See what lie
there--white bones! As brave and strong a man as you climbed to these
rocks.' And he looked up. He saw there was no use in striving; he would
never hold Truth, never see her, never find her. So he lay down here,
for he was very tired. He went to sleep forever. He put himself to
sleep. Sleep is very tranquil. You are not lonely when you are asleep,
neither do your hands ache, nor your heart. And the hunter laughed
between his teeth.

"'Have I torn from my heart all that was dearest; have I wandered alone
in the land of night; have I resisted temptation; have I dwelt where the
voice of my kind is never heard, and laboured alone, to lie down and be
food for you, ye harpies?'

"He laughed fiercely; and the Echoes of Despair slunk away, for the
laugh of a brave, strong heart is as a death blow to them.

"Nevertheless they crept out again and looked at him.

"'Do you know that your hair is white?' they said, 'that your hands
begin to tremble like a child's? Do you see that the point of your
shuttle is gone?--it is cracked already. If you should ever climb this
stair,' they said, 'it will be your last. You will never climb another.'

"And he answered, 'I know it!' and worked on.

"The old, thin hands cut the stones ill and jaggedly, for the fingers
were stiff and bent. The beauty and the strength of the man was gone.

"At last, an old, wizened, shrunken face looked out above the rocks. It
saw the eternal mountains rise with walls to the white clouds; but its
work was done.

"The old hunter folded his tired hands and lay down by the precipice
where he had worked away his life. It was the sleeping time at last.
The Story of an African Farm, from part 2, chapter 2. By Olive Schreiner

Below him over the valleys rolled the thick white mist. Once it broke;
and through the gap the dying eyes looked down on the trees and fields
of their childhood. From afar seemed borne to him the cry of his own
wild birds, and he heard the noise of people singing as they danced. And
he thought he heard among them the voices of his old comrades; and
he saw far off the sunlight shine on his early home. And great tears
gathered in the hunter's eyes.

"'Ah! They who die there do not die alone,' he cried.

"Then the mists rolled together again; and he turned his eyes away.

"'I have sought,' he said, 'for long years I have laboured; but I have
not found her. I have not rested, I have not repined, and I have not
seen her; now my strength is gone. Where I lie down worn out other men
will stand, young and fresh. By the steps that I have cut they will
climb; by the stairs that I have built they will mount. They will never
know the name of the man who made them. At the clumsy work they will
laugh; when the stones roll they will curse me. But they will mount, and
on my work; they will climb, and by my stair! They will find her, and
through me! And no man liveth to himself and no man dieth to himself.'

"The tears rolled from beneath the shrivelled eyelids. If Truth had
appeared above him in the clouds now he could not have seen her, the
mist of death was in his eyes.

"'My soul hears their glad step coming,' he said; 'and they shall mount!
they shall mount!' He raised his shrivelled hand to his eyes.

"Then slowly from the white sky above, through the still air, came
something falling, falling, falling. Softly it fluttered down, and
dropped on to the breast of the dying man. He felt it with his hands. It
was a feather. He died holding it."

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Busy, crazy weekend.

I feel like posting even though I don't really have much to say. My head is feeling full I guess.
I need to find more constructive things to blog about. Also I hate being this tired/sore/sick. Ugh. Although I don't know if I'm sick... I feel all puke-y, ugh.

Are hangover's contagious? (of course they aren't, but drinking too much is).

I'm attempting to finish this story I promised my friend, well I actually promised him a poem, buuuuuuut I'm in a story writing mood (sorry James!), I haven't been much for writing poetry lately. Although I do feel like doing some letter writing. I guess I should share some of my letters with you guys some time, but most of them are things that I don't know how to actually say to people and sorta personal so I don't really like to share them, that and they're all addressed to real people...

I do really need to work on that one short story I've been fucking working since the summer! Still not quite right... although I almost like it. I think I just need to flesh out the characters a little bit better. At least that's what I've been told.

I cannot stop listening to Lana Del Rey. Her voice is just too awesome for words. So so so sexy sounding, gaaaaaaah it just makes me happy! My sister kinda got pissed off at my the other night cause I forced her to listen to Born to Die, even though she hates it AND even though she kept making me listening to stuff I didn't like! Not fair girly, not fair!

Okay a couple more things to get outta my head then this is done.

I hate it when you want something soooooo much and you don't want it at all at the exact same time so you hold back, but not completely and get this weird in-the-middle thing that is almost what you want, but not really so your left dissatisfied and depressed about it, but you don't know how to change the situation cause you don't want to go for it, but you don't wanna hold back completely. IT FUCKING SUCKS. I am being purposefully vague because a) most of you already know what I'm talking about, b) it doesn't make a difference if you know what I'm talking about or not, because the situation will not go away until I can figure out what the fuck to do about it and c) this applies to more than one thing in my life... I'm just indecisive about a lot of things I guess...

So valentines day is coming up... how bout that... this fact has got me thinking about something sorta lame. Sad, I guess. I've never really had a proper date, not with like dinner and shit. I dunno, lately this fact has been getting me down, which is lame cause it never really bothered me before. I dunno it's so silly, but it's just be nice. It also sucks cause there really isn't anyone I want to go on a date with (well that's not completely true buuuuuut... not gonna happen) so I dunno, super lame. I'm sorta tired of hating valentines day just cause it's for couples and I never seem to have a boyfriend, or be seeing anyone when it comes around. The one year that I did we didn't do anything cause I asked him not too, plus we'd only been dating for like a month, so yeah. I felt rotten about it after cause I sorta did want to at least acknowledge the 'holiday'. Anyway this year I think I'll just hide at home and get drunk on lots of red wine (yay!) Or maybe I'll attempt to find some random to take me to dinner (unlikely).

Okay. I think that's all I need to say, sorry my posts are rather internally focused, but it helps me deal with shit and I do sorta feel better now. I feel like I can finish that story and curl up with my book. Good night blog readers! 

Friday, January 20, 2012

I feel heroic

This conversation made my day. I was in a little-used bathroom at school putting on some make-up when this woman came in and we had the following conversation. 
Random woman: I feel so heroic
Me: Oh 
(Goes into bathroom stall)
Random woman: The weathers crazy, it's Friday, we made it
(Couple minutes later after she comes out of the bathroom stall
Random woman: Do you feel heroic? 
Me: I don't know, I didn't think about it. 
Random woman: But now your considering heroic status? 
Me: Yes, I just might. 
Random woman: Have a good day! 
Me: You too
Random Woman: Thank you! 
I really don’t know what to make of it. I never considered surviving the crazy weather and long-feeling week to be something to be proud of because I viewed it as a small accomplishment, almost insignificant. It was interesting to consider someone else views the same week (of course, not exactly the same week) as something to be proud of, but really human survival isn’t all that insignificant when you think about all the things that could’ve gone wrong, it is impressive that we’ve made it so far, so maybe, every day should be a little bit heroic it. Maybe. Anyway this conversation was so random and the lady was so friendly and cheerful it made my day and I wanted to share it…. So yeah, there you go. 

Monday, January 09, 2012

Classes, writing and novels

First off, sorry for the lack of updates. I've been sick. Not a nice kind of sick either. Rather, it was a scary sort of sick and I ended up in the hospital and had to have a tonsil removed (no, not two, just one). Anyway, it was a shitty way to spend new years, but I've been recovering quite nicely and this makes me happy.

On to the theme of this post!

So this semester I'm taking a novel writing class, or what I guess is a novel writing class? And in all honesty I wasn't even sure if I was supposed to be there. Entering a room full of upper-level writing students when you aren't one of them feels more daunting than I expected, especially because I didn't really recognize anyone... Honestly, the only reason I'm sticking with this class is because a) I love to write and I haven't been able to do very much of it lately, which makes me sad and I sorta feel disconnected and weird about it; b) the teacher is really really really hot. Best looking prof I've had... he has the cute nerd glasses and everything and barely looks over thirty ;) and c) the instructor (Lee Henderson, in case you were wondering) mentioned Jorge Luis Borges, but at first i didn't know who he was talking about because he said his name funny (i.e. correctly) then when I realized that is who he was talking about I got super excited because he is one of my favourite poets and writers, although I've mostly read his poetry so far. I own both his anthology of poems and fiction. He is completely brilliant, like crazy brilliant. He wrote my absolute favourite poem Street with the Pink Corner Store (also he was a librarian!). Enough gushing about that, moving on!

Anyway, after class I asked him if I should even be in the class and what would be expected of me... it was super awkward because this sorta cute guy who'd been sitting by was standing there listening to the entire awkward conversation! Ugh. Doubt he's sitting by me again. Beside the awkwardness I'm super excited for the class. We get to write the first two chapters of a novel and outline the rest. It should be a good time and since I love writing novels and stories it should actually be fun. I'm gonna kinda look at it as my light class because I know it won't be as hard as some of the English stuff I do, but at the same time I cannot afford to get lower than a B this semester soooo it'll be lots of work regardless of where I put it on my scale of importance.

I now need novel ideas! I have like, one, right now, but I wanna save it for a later date because it's special. I want to write that novel one day and publish it. But I need to go to England first. That is crucial for it. Buuuuuuut I don't want to give away what the idea is because, as I said, it's special. I wanna take the time to research and experience it, of course I can't know that it'll work or not, but I want to try and that's really what counts.

So basically I need some novel ideas! If you have any suggestions, etc you should let me knoooooow! It'll be super helpful. Like, actually. I think I might have a little brainstorm/editing/writing session now, cause I've misssssed them! Night lovelies. <3

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

New years resolutions

So I haven't really made any, and when I do I don't usually post them anyway, cause, well who ever actually remembers to keep these? I mean that's why we make new ones every year, isn't it?

Anyway, here are mine.

Be healthier. Since I've started university I have been on antibiotics for one form of cold or another way to many times. It has got to stop, this time has been the most serious. I'm not sure what've been doing wrong, but it needs to change.

Achieve some of my goals, or at at least work towards them. I keep putting things I really want to do off because, I have no time/money/not ready for etc, but I must stop this if I want anything to happen to me, ever. Also I'm getting a little bored, do time to make some life changes.

Write. This will always be something I should be doing more of, especially if I'd like to ever improve. (reading as well, I never seem to finish things these days).

I really think that is it. They are kinda boring and generic, also extremely broad, but it makes them less scary I guess? Or More so...I don't know. I'm to tired to think of much else.