Thursday, December 01, 2011

Boyfriend requirements; Or why I'm still single (a list)

So this is a list of things I require in a man.
And I'm joking. But I still thought it'd be funny to write, so here ya'll are, my boyfriend requirements; or as as it should be more adeptly titled, why I'm still single.

(in no particular order...)

1. MUST be able to hang clothing on a hanger correctly when trying said clothing on in the Winners fitting room. Double the points if he can hang up men's dress pants correctly.

2. Must also be an anglophile. If you don't know what this is you should probably just move along.

3. Must be able to write in full sentence and not use abbreviations, or slang– when being serious.

4. Must be able to argue.

5. Must drink tea or caffeine (the above point should indicate why)

6. Must understand that I was in love with Johnny Depp, David Tennant, Alan Rickman, Ryan Gosling, Rupert Grint, Neil Gaiman, Byron, Jorge Luis Borges, Brad Pitt, The Doctor, my dad (errr I don't mean anything sexual about some of these men, I just mean they are men that I love more than I will; or could, love you) and probably a whole flack of other men as well. In other words: YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST MAN IN MY LIFE!

7. Must not be a crier. I do not like crying. If you cry you can sleep on the couch (not that I have one so you can sleep on your couch [if you even have a couch; dunno maybe you'll be homeless or live with your parents or a buddhist; I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW!], or the floor, whatever; you just wont be beside meeee muahahahaha!)

8. Must actually be the Doctor, with a striking resemblance to David Tennant or Matt Smith (preferably Tennant) OR willing to dress up as the Doctor on demand.

9. Must like pickles (this is an actual requirement, I am NOT joking).

10. Must have insomnia, because I do and it'd be awkward to be the only one awake all night (plus really really dull).

11. You must not be afraid of the colour pink. It is in no way going to upset your 'manliness' (but you might get hit on by a lot of well dressed guys).

12. You must shave on a regular basis. I'm sorry making out with a hairy face gives me a rash, which is not very hot and you want your girl to be hot right? Riiiiiiight?

13. Must like fantasy and sci-fi, also must like reading. I read a lot; I'm nerdy; you should be too– get over it.

14. Must also have internet addiction so we can videochat while in the same house because we're to lazy to move to the room the other person is in.

15. Must be taller than me. It's way more fun to kiss you then.

16. Must like to cuddle. I like to cuddle and your a guy so your probably warm, cuddling WILL happen; it'd be better if you enjoyed it.

Some things about me to accept/know

1. Must accept my CRAZY love of pickles. I hold (and truly believe) that any thing (I do mean ANYTHING) will taste better pickled. Anything.

2. Must be able to appreciate and accept my strange fascination with obnoxious, rude, ridiculous guys (i.e. Nathan from Misfits [if you don't know what show that is you should probably just stop reading here and move one]); I don't actually want to date one, they're just really fucking hot.

3. Must understand that I will probably angrily rant a commercials when I'm in a bad mood; I just don't like them! I don't like to know that people are attempting to sell me shit, I take it better when they act all discreet and pretend they are my friend.

4. Must accept my siblings. IF you do not then you are out. They are my babies.

5. Must appreciate my mind over my body.

6. Must accept that I am always right. In EVERY instance, but must also argue with me, then let me win and have lots of crazy angry sex.

7. Must accept my strange fascination with books, and the fact that I buy endless numbers of them for no particular reason, other than to stare at them.

8. Must watch at least a season of Gilmore Girls so that he understands where all my knowledge of
relationships comes from and why I am the way I am.

I am ending this portion of the list here because a) I don't need potential boyfriends knowing EVERYTHING about me in advance and b) it could get really really long and you'd get bored.


I in no way expect any man to live up to all of these, I realize that is unrealistic and selfish of me. I also realize that this list is actually about things about me he should accept, I can't really explain that one. I will write another list. ERRRRRRRR SORRRRRYYY!!! :S 


Anonymous said...

Have I told how awesome you are lately? lol I love this list!

Terri said...

Thanks :)
I thought it was funny.

CanadianNomad said...

I am so in love with you right now! Love your list and this entire time I have been laughing my ass off because it's all true about you and some of it is true for me too! <3 <3 <3
I will most certainly pounce your awesomeness the next time I come out of my hole... which is now located next to Logan's Pub! What up!?

Terri said...

Thaaaanks :)

I'm glad you found it amusing :)
Nice!!! You live right by Sammy then!
We need to go out there sometime for drinks, when are you done exams?
Not much, I'm surviving, how's it going? lol

Bose said...

I was actually looking for Doctor Job Responsibilities but this was very interesting!@bose

Anonymous said...

No wonder you're single. You sound selfish, lustful, immature, and bitchy.

Terri said...

It's a joke... I don't expect anyone to live up to any of these. I also don't think you fall for people based on a silly list you wrote on the internet.