A sad fact.

Since being in university for the past 2 and a half years (give or take) I have yet to receive an A on any major papers for any class! This has been something which has eaten away at me so much that I would wonder what the point was if I couldn't even write a decent paper. I know someone out there is cringing and going 'grades aren't everything!' but when your an English major AND you want to be a writer its a real slap in the face to have comments like 'doesn't have a good grasp on the English language' (which I still think is untrue, I just have a bad grasp on grammar). Yeah, ouch, real disheartening.

Last semester was the worst for this. I took a modernist British novel class, which was swains and I loved, but I couldn't seen to get the papers quite right. The final paper ended up being a complete disaster. My topic was terrible and I basically spent three days editing the paper, and only got a c+. Considering I edited that paper more than any other and yeah...:( looking back I realize I should have changed my topic, and started it earlier so I could've hit up the writing centre or Kirstie and/or Raya. Now I know better and received a grade I feel like I DESERVE!

Thankfully I'm basically feeling better about everything cause this is actually a pretty hard class (for me) and I thought I was gonna fail it, for a moment there. That just, like, made my day n'shit :). So far this week is a million times better than last week, now if I only do this well on my the English paper ima get back tomorrow! Fingers crossed, but it's unlikely, that one was written the day before :S.

Essays, writing, and such

I think about writing a lot. It's kind of a problem, because sometimes I really don't care about anything else. And today, I realized something sad. The topic I like to write about the most is me. I wish this was otherwise or I enjoyed writing other things, but I don't. There are a couple of factors which contribute to this fact. First, I often feel as if I don't have the authority to write about other people or to write certain genres because I'm not a "good enough writer yet", or it's just to much work. Writing this, is not work to me. It is pure enjoyment. Maybe some people will say that is wrong, that writing should always be hard, but I don't believe that, I don't think that it has to be hard all the time. Writing the first thing which pops into your head is awesome and relaxing, maybe not always the best results, but its good for you.

The second thing, as a student, I spend a lot of time writing for other people about things I don't always care that much about. I hate to confess this, but honestly, I don't give a fuck what Burney's views, as displayed in Evelina, were about classes or gender relations. Honest, I don't. This is why I have chosen writer over professor for my first choice career.

Another thing I have to had here about my writing and me (sorry that sounds like a bad self-help book) is that I think I'm WAAAAAY to passionate about it, and no-where near talented or skilled enough in it (yet!) to justify this. It worries me. It makes me fall down harder than I should, which is a problem because I am definitely a bottler (as in I bottle things up) I tend to only portray part of myself to the world, the part I think they should see. This is because I spend most of my time inside my own head and do it unintentionally and because it's a lot easier to pretend sometimes, even necessary.

Okay I was just intending to take a quick break from a paper and definitely got distracted and wrote waaaaaaay more than I meant too (apologies for the emphasized waaaaaay, I just needed to get that out of my system :P). Now I go back to writing about Ghost Writer, which is awesome btw and you'll should read it. The essay inspired this post. Tootles for now lovelies.