New Year, time to start writing again.

I think we all have a plethora of resolutions every January and they usually fall under that category of bettering one's self or losing weight. I decided I should probably just focus on self love and doing things that I want to do, or things that make me happy. So here, in its short form, is my list of resolutions:

1. Write something on a blog once a week. 
2. Remind myself I am awesome and amazing every freaking day, even when I’m feeling like shit.
3. Get a new freaking job already.
4. Travel somewhere new and far away.
5. Stop being afraid.

I suppose I could add some other things to this list that are more traditional, like fall in love (already got that fairly covered), or get a tattoo, but I think all in all my list is fairly standard. Now I know some of the things sound like self-betterment or whatever you call it, but I put them under the stronger and more selfish category of self love instead. I think I deserve to do things that make me happy and fulfilled, nobody else. I hate my job I'll get a new one, I want to travel because I want to see some new places and meet people and learn something new. I want to write simply because I love writing. I don't think any of these things will make me a better person. Writing or travelling don't make you a better person, but how you use those things or what you gain from them could. 

I just want to start the new year with something for myself. Last year I spent a lot of time feeling broken and disillusioned by life in general, not to mention set a drift and lonely. It wasn't super fun. This year is going to be different. I've got a new guy in my life that actually wants to be part of it, one of my best friends has returned from living away for awhile, I've got some extra money coming my way which will hopefully give me the opportunity to travel for a bit or work abroad. This is definitely the year I'll get out of winners, that's a certainty. And I feel like an era is ending for me. I'm finally starting to feel like a real grown up who can make real decisions about my future and form strong, happy relationships with many sorts of lovely people. 

My mom is leaving the country for the first time in years to go travel with her new boyfriend for a few months which gives me a sense of loss because I'm so used to having her close by to help out or go home to when I need to, that will be strange, but I think it will be good for all of us. It'll give me a chance to finally commit to my life as it is rather than constantly looking for alternatives (like living at home instead of on my own) or looking to the past and how things once were. It's sad the house is gone, but I think it'll be okay because as all good childhood movies have taught us, home is the people, not the place and for that matter I still have a place I will always and forever consider home. 

Anyway to wrap this rambly post up, I think 2014 is starting off pretty strong and positive. I want to do many things and change in many ways and I know I won't always get everything I want and there will be some surprises, but I've already put in a good, positive, start to the year so I feel like it will be a strong one. 

Until next week readers, 

Terri 

The Suitcase

Today as I was walking through my city with a suit case that belonged to my sister that I stole from my fathers apartment I imaged what the other city-goers were thinking of me, walking around like that, on the hot hot afternoon, with just a small vintage suit case and a little purse.

I image that they think I'm going somewhere, somewhere far away and possibly tropical or European. I hope that someone will ask about the suit case so I can behave nonchalant about it, or perhaps I will pretended to be excited, perhaps I will tell them I am going somewhere tropical or somewhere European, with my one, small vintage suit case.

And perhaps they won't question that it is an overnight case rather than a full suitcase, perhaps they will think I'm rich and flying over for a day or two for business. I don't look rich though. They don't know my bank account is empty, empty except for next months rent and a few extra cents I'm trying to hold on to. They don't know I'm trapped here, in this city, for the summer, fall, winter. I'm trapped until someone takes pity on me and offers me a job, agrees to hire me, gives me money...

I imagine walking into a store, placing the suitcase by the desk and asking the friendly, sweet, down syndrome woman behind the counter to take it. I don't think anyone could be unhappy in her presence. But I don't go there, sometimes I just want to be alone and a little bit miserable, things feel like they're worth more if you suffer for them.

Nobody asks about the suitcase the entire way home. I simply exist in the world with it. People look, or even stare, but they usually do, it's not new, but I feel some strong sense of purpose or determination, but also a bit dangerous, like I've actually stolen the suitcase rather than taken it from my own fathers apartment, like it is full of jewels or cash, but nobody will ever know because they won't ask. I sometimes forget how determined I can be until I actually do something just because I want to and I don't give a fuck about anyone else. I empower myself this way, take charge.

I can't actually stand to be alone this much, but there is nothing left to do in this city I can afford. There is no where I can go to escape the parts of myself I don't want to look at any more or the memories I need to forget. I want some place to be safe, to feel safe. Some places that allows me a bit of peace and solitude, but I can't find that alone anymore. I can't stand it.

I wish someone had just asked about the suitcase.